This is one of the hardest posts I will probably ever make on this site. Not because I want to hide what I have been through. But because society wants me to hide. It is not the “Instagram” version of my life. But if we don’t share we will not be able to breakdown the walls and end the stigma. Part of this is the same post I shared to Twitter a few days ago where I spent most of the weekend isolating myself.
My story begins in 6th grade although the precipitating factors probably go back to the 1st or 2nd grade. I grew up in England and moved to North Carolina shortly before my 9th birthday. We moved in the March over spring break so I was only in school 2 months before summer break! It was hard for me to make friends in those 2 months since the school year was almost over. I was the new kid but over the summer I managed to make a good group of a few friends. In 5th grade, I got moved to another new school (although a lot of the people from my current school also got moved).
In 6th grade, I started middle school. That was when my anxiety and depression started to manifest themselves. I didn’t realize it at the time but when I reflect on it I can see the signs. In my first week of 6th grade, I went to the nurses office every day before my French class with a stomachache. I was being teased and was finding it hard to make friends. I’m definitely an introvert and really struggled in the first few months of middle school. I eventually surrounded myself with a good group of people who seemed to be my friends! I could deal with the occasional teasing. During this time, my grandmother was in her final stages of her battle with Alzheimer’s. She was still living in Scotland so we only got phone updates from my Granpa. Anyone who has experienced Alzheimer’s with a loved one knows the pain of watching them slip away.
In 8th grade, my Gran fell into the final stages of her battle with Alzheimer’s. I was also being bullied more and more at school. I remember that I would come home from school and turn the TV on to Nickelodeon “GUTS” and sit on the floor scoffing my face. I had always been on the underweight side but in that year I put on about 40 pounds. Food was my security blanket. On April 2nd, 2007 my Gran passed away. A few days later I was going on a trip to Montreal and Quebec with my French class. I was rooming with two other girls who were the “popular” girls. I was still pretty upset from the recent news and spent most of my time hanging out either alone or with the teacher’s son who was a few years younger than us. This brought about even more teasing.
In May 2007, I found out that one of my “friends” had created a fake Facebook and MySpace profile. She used the Facebook to make fun of a friend of mine and used the MySpace to reveal everything I’d told her including some pretty personal and embarrassing information. This led me to a lot of issues trusting people. I continued to be teased throughout high school but it wasn’t as blatant as it was during middle school and therefore I was able to deal with it better. I graduated and was happy to leave behind everyone I’d known and start a new life!
In the past 8 years, I have certainly been through ups and downs but for the most part I have been able to deal with the downs. In November 2017, I was working full-time and had just closed on my house. I was also dealing with some health issues that had been present since 2014. I was worn out and overwhelmed with emotions. I hit rock bottom but thankfully I had an incredible friend who brought me back up.
I got into counseling immediately following that event and found different strategies to cope with the depression and anxiety. One of these strategies ended up being hiking. In June 2018, I went on my first ever multi-day hike. I walked 79 miles from Milngavie to Kinlochleven in Scotland raising money for Alzheimer’s. This was when I also discovered how much it helped with my anxiety and depression.
Twitter post: “Depression & anxiety are a constant up and down battle. Some days are easier than others and I’m so grateful for those days. If you know someone who is struggling, reach out to them. A simple text can save someone’s life. It did for me. In November 2017, I was about to give up and my friend texted me asking if I was ok. With no prompt. I had only known her 6 months and we’d only been friends 3 months. A few months later I went to church with her for the first time and towards the end of 2018 she wrote me a note in church that said “YOU ARE VALUABLE” with valuable underlined. This tattoo is a constant reminder of that and a reminder to never give up! Within 9 months of that day where I hit rock bottom, I was baptized (8/5/18). Every day is a battle but I know that I get stronger every day. Mental illness is real.”
One of the biggest and hardest things I have to remember is that anxiety and depression are not my fault and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that by sharing my story and my experiences with the healing power of nature, I can help someone else.
Hiking Through Anxiety & Depression 